Chattanooga Getaway

     I had a great time this past week in Chattanooga. It was a great time overall. We went on a trip kinda spur of the moment, yes we had one a little investigative work in case we ever had the chance to go but for those of you that know me I have a great love for planning possible road trips and secretly thought that Chattanooga would most likely be another chapter in that category. To my surprise, Tuesday came and with the realization that I would be helping Tim's mom a lot over the next couple weeks, add in Graduate studies, job hunting for next year, and the already hectic life of the wife of a church planter and you have a slightly frazzled over emotional Melissa...We drove a little over ninety miles. We felt like we passed through another world though due in part to the time change. We opted to drive the interstate mostly because of the hilly nature of the drive. We arrived at the hotel about two pm.
    The hotel was a little disappointing. Tim's handicap accessible room had a tub that was too high and it was on the second floor. In other words, it was not ideal. It did have an elevator. I guess Tim has improved enough to use a walker some so that helped. I had hoped for more because I had made the time to call and ask specifically for an accessible room. I know in the future to ask more specific questions and to not assume that an accessible room is well really ADA complaint. The bright spot is that there were no fires and there were no falls or injuries.
    The first night, we were there in time to check in and then we went to see an unusal tourist attraction. It was the International Towing and Recovery Museum. The only one in the world, because the concepts of Tow Trucks began right here in the wonderful state of Tennessee. We had a coupon and got in the museum for two dollars less. So for fourteen dollars, we got to see about a fifteen minute clip on Tow Trucks, saw about sixteen antique tow trucks from around the world and an extensive amount of replica and toy tow trucks. There was a hall of fame for tow truck drivers and then an average gift shop. We got Tim a camo hat with ITR and a tow truck. It was the last one. We got Betty a small keepsake too but mostly because of an inside joke. I also got a magnet...I just had to have something. We took pictures of course and we went on our way. That night we took it easy. We ate at Friday's and rested up. It was amazing how tired we were from all the drama that was occuring in our family.
The next day we got up early and headed to the Tennessee Aquarium. It was amazing, we didn't stay with the tour but we took in tons of interesting stuff. I loved the penguins and Tim loved the huge Turtle. The sharks were also awesome! We had a great time and enjoyed the glass displays. We also went to see the Chattanooga Choo Choo, which has the greatest gift shop and we also drove around Downtown Chattanooga. I love Chattanooga. We also went to a huge Walmart...and rested the next day would be a return home situation primarily because MIL had a family meeting on thursday. It was a great getaway. Doesn't happen that often.

Cycle

It seems like all of life comes in cycles, and that goes along naturally with the pattern of life that you see here on earth. People are born and others die. Some way too soon. There should be patterns of sadness and times of joy. There should be time of giving and times of taking. Ideally, life is marked with memorable moments, frequent laughter, and a few true friends.

There are moments when I am outraged by the insensitive behavior of others. I am sick of family drama. Disappointed by so-called friends and dealing with personal grief and depression. There are times like today, when I just want to throw up my hands and runaway from everything. My personal diagnosis of myself is that I am suffering from complete burnout. So I am declaring it an emergency. My calendar may be filled to the brim with mil dr appts, "so-called Family Meetings" church priorities, and graduate studies but I am going to cancel whatever it takes and we are leaving town for a few days. I know that people are quick to say that when you come back everything is still here to deal with but right now I just want to escape. And so because we need a break, because I am burn out, because I am so very sad, we are leaving ASAP. Hopefully Tuesday. Pray we get to go!

Today was the day

    I remember being a small child, upstairs looking out my window listening to my parents fighting and secretly knowing that one day that great pair of parents would show up and say there had been some horrible mix up and that they had come to take me home. My parents were not monsters but they did not get along. They were from different worlds and at times the tension could have been cut with a knife.

   When I was fourteen, I went to live with my oldest sister, the courts got involved and she got custody. All of the promises that were made about staying in touch with my parents were broken in a matter of days. The phone number was changed and I was supposed to move forward with no real family. My sisters hubby was upset at the idea that here he was taking care of a child that was not his. My father quit his job taking a really early retirement in an attempt to cut the child support payments that would be sent. Once again I longed to feel included but instead spent most of my time in the basement where my room was. Away from the family so as not to impede on the time that she had with her husband or her kids. I loved them but I would hear him say that "she is not my responsibility." Then one day, I was blamed for killing a cat. I had not shut the gate and the kitten had followed me and the dog killed it. I was so dsitraught that I took some pills...my sister shipped me off to my cousins.

   I felt all alone and desparately wanted to be loved. A long story short, my entire life I have wanted to have a family. I have looked for love in some crazy places trying to fill this void. I have made my share of mistakes. I wish I had made other choices for a great part of my life. I did make one great choice. I married Tim in 2006. We have had a lot of struggles but I dont regret it. To make a long story short, I have always prayed hoped and believed that one day I would get to be a Mommy and raise a healthy child to be a responsible adult. I would get to share the funny things they said, to go on field trips, to take pics at games, to embarrass them as they plow through the difficult teenage years....but the reality is that has not been our reality. I feel angry. Tim is a great man he would be a great dad. I would be a great mom. But this is not to be.
   Many people say adopt but with the current health issues and limited income that we now have we would not qualify for this option either. The idea of saving thousands of dollars at a chance is also a far shot.  But today, after having my heart broken, and realizing that no decision is going to give me my miracle I finally decided it was time to stop feeling less that worthy or less of a woman. More than that it was time to stop feeling like less than a person. The decision is painful and different that some would make in my place but the reality is that I am making the choice. I am releasing the desire that has enslaved me and hurt me for so many years. I am going to accept that I am going to live the rest of my life child free. For some of you, this was a given, but for me it is a last step on a painful process.