Today was the day

    I remember being a small child, upstairs looking out my window listening to my parents fighting and secretly knowing that one day that great pair of parents would show up and say there had been some horrible mix up and that they had come to take me home. My parents were not monsters but they did not get along. They were from different worlds and at times the tension could have been cut with a knife.

   When I was fourteen, I went to live with my oldest sister, the courts got involved and she got custody. All of the promises that were made about staying in touch with my parents were broken in a matter of days. The phone number was changed and I was supposed to move forward with no real family. My sisters hubby was upset at the idea that here he was taking care of a child that was not his. My father quit his job taking a really early retirement in an attempt to cut the child support payments that would be sent. Once again I longed to feel included but instead spent most of my time in the basement where my room was. Away from the family so as not to impede on the time that she had with her husband or her kids. I loved them but I would hear him say that "she is not my responsibility." Then one day, I was blamed for killing a cat. I had not shut the gate and the kitten had followed me and the dog killed it. I was so dsitraught that I took some pills...my sister shipped me off to my cousins.

   I felt all alone and desparately wanted to be loved. A long story short, my entire life I have wanted to have a family. I have looked for love in some crazy places trying to fill this void. I have made my share of mistakes. I wish I had made other choices for a great part of my life. I did make one great choice. I married Tim in 2006. We have had a lot of struggles but I dont regret it. To make a long story short, I have always prayed hoped and believed that one day I would get to be a Mommy and raise a healthy child to be a responsible adult. I would get to share the funny things they said, to go on field trips, to take pics at games, to embarrass them as they plow through the difficult teenage years....but the reality is that has not been our reality. I feel angry. Tim is a great man he would be a great dad. I would be a great mom. But this is not to be.
   Many people say adopt but with the current health issues and limited income that we now have we would not qualify for this option either. The idea of saving thousands of dollars at a chance is also a far shot.  But today, after having my heart broken, and realizing that no decision is going to give me my miracle I finally decided it was time to stop feeling less that worthy or less of a woman. More than that it was time to stop feeling like less than a person. The decision is painful and different that some would make in my place but the reality is that I am making the choice. I am releasing the desire that has enslaved me and hurt me for so many years. I am going to accept that I am going to live the rest of my life child free. For some of you, this was a given, but for me it is a last step on a painful process.