I just really want to know your feelings about infertility. How has it changed you? How does it affect your everyday life? What does it mean to you to be a mom or add to your family? How do you imagine you'll feel when you get those ever-sought-after two pink lines?
This question was asked in one of the discussion boards I frequent for support for infertility issues. I love it is called Conception Obsession and they are a wonderful group of ladies that support t one another and help me feel hopeful as some of them have gotten their miracle children against all odds.
I know this may make some people uncomfortable, but this is part of which I am, and there are times when I need to be able to vent how I really feel. So here I go, trying to answer the questions that have haunted me for the last 4.5 years.
Infertility makes me feel like there is something uniquely wrong with me as if I am not a complete person. It makes me feel that somehow my past has caused even God himself deny me the joy of raising a healthy child and seeing them become wonderfully happy and healthy adults. Infertility makes me want to cry at odd times, and when I am not careful, become jealous. It makes me sad when people ask stupid questions like when am I going to be a mom or why don’t we have a child like I can just make the choice and the next month be a parent. It makes me guarded always feeling like I will never have the family I wanted since being a child. Infertility puts pressure on my marriage. I adore my husband and I know I am lucky to have him but it’s the invisible giant in the room. There e is unexplained anger and the realization that even though I try to stay positive there are no guarantees in life. There are the people that seem smug enough to offer advice from adopt you will get pregnant to stop trying so hard.
Infertility affects my everyday life, because unlike most people I am always aware of where I am in my cycle. My life is spent wondering if this cycle will be the one that just might be the miracle followed by the next day ending in frustration only to begin again. It makes me wish I was tons of things I am not, always wondering if I wasn’t fat, made better choices, and somehow did the right thing I would end up with a sweet little one.
Being a mom would be a privilege a chance to protect a sweet little soul as they encounter life. A chance to teach them how to love and forgive others. A chance to help them come to know Jesus as their personal savior. It means being able to say to my Husband, Honey, look our baby is smiling, walking, talking. A chance to love him even more because there is a child that has both of our qualities. I dream of this child, it is so real it feels like a death not to be able to see the little one. I guess you cannot understand this unless you have lived through this.
At this point, to see a positive pregnancy test would seem like a miracle that I could not trust. I would worry the test was wrong, that I would miscarry. I hope if my miracle comes I can enjoy it.
I have heard from many well-meaning people about how I need to trust God and one day He will give it to me or even well you were not meant to have a child. Both of these statements are hurtful. Yes God loves me and I trust him, but I also cling to the fact that God will give me the desires of my heart, and that desire is to be a Momma.
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