Missing something that has never been.

Let's get real. I know it is a scary thought but here it goes, this is Melissa uncensored.
Only those closest to me knows the deep desire I have to become a mom by whatever means necessary. Often I day dream of adopting two older children and by some miracle waking up pregnant with twins. When I share these remarks with others they lookat me odd, yes the only thing that feels like it is missing from my life is the chance to be a mom. I can not explain this to the average person that has been blessed with a little one or who is currently living with a teenager. Am I crazy? Or asking for trouble? This entire line of questions disturbs me. It is wrong to assume that every single kid in foster care is some monster waiting to poison the family and burn down your house? Seems a little irrational to me. Sure they are teenagers with raging hormones and a messed up past but well most kids are at that point. I want to be a mom but the bigger desire is to make the world a better place. I can not think of a better way to improve the world than to invest in the lives of a teenager or school kid. Will they get in trouble? Yes, they are kids...Will they change me life as I know it? Yes if I do it right. Will it add stress, well almost anything worth doing will. So here I am in conflict. Where do I continue to put my efforts? PRaying for a miracle, trying to save to pursue infertility treatments to have my own child, or trying to foster to adopt older kids? Any suggestions or input?

Yesterday's gone...yesterday's gone

     I noticed that in all the busyness of daily life I had not taken time to really blog this month. I guess I dont have much breaking news although I have had some good experiences.  I was fortunate to get an official job offer as a  Teacher in a near by County, I have been there a week and there has been both good and bad experiences. I have not been given a full copy of policies and procedures or had any official training on the growing piles of required paperwork. I have, however, fell in love with many of my new students. My room situation is awkward, the TA in the room, has been acting as the teacher for months and is not in essence training her replacement. It is a case of being happy for me and sad a little for her. I hope I can remember her feelings and still engage the students as their teacher. Its hard especially since there has been two prior teachers one quit and another transferred and as with any group of children there are certainly special needs that need to be taken into account. I generally am an assertive person but am trying to deal with this awkward situation in a gentle manner. I keep telling myself that God went before me. The lady in the room is nice and a Christian.  We have different approaches to teaching but that does not mean we dont have the same desired outcomes.We will be partners in helping each child have many opportunities to learn.I wish she would go back to school but I also know for some reason God gave me this chance. I will say there are times when it feels odd and I hope I can learn everything so that I can be really exceptional at my job. I like knowing exactly what to expect and be well prepared. This is not the situation I prefer being thrown into the environment. My problems  are policy related and I need to make it a priority to understand the requirements of my new position. It has also been hectic in that it is extremely difficult to assist Tim with all the church responsiblities that go along with being a Pastor Wife and the unique ones that have to be overcome due to his physical limitations. Tim and I had a great chat and I think we can rework our schedule so that all the important things are covered. I am feeling a lot disorganized and a little disgruntled but after seeking the advice of Ms. Natalie, a wonderful friend and a great Pastor wife, I am going to set boundaries and make task lists. I love her.
     Valentine's Day may never really be celebrated in our home. We did spend some time together and this year it marked starting a new job but the reality is that I associated it with Tim getting the flu bug that would take his ability to walk away. I know my hubby loves me, he tells me, spends time with me and is available when I need him. I am thankful for him.
     I must admit there were also challenging times. The eighteenth marked the one year mark since Tim developed GBS. It is trauma filled and full of bad memories but even though we had hoped for full recovery I do see some improvement, not as quick as I want it, but that too is not surprising as I struggle with impatience. I am a proud wife of a wonderful and  resilient man who lives to share Jesus with others. He is a great balance of stubborn and patient with me and others and I love the dreams that he has for making the world better.
     Saturday was the first Second  Harvest Food I have ever had a chance to volunteer with. It was a humbling and wonderful experience to be part of helping over 200 families in Warren County get the food they need to survive. The wonderful volunteers were so giving and although I felt lost it was an amazing experience to even have a small part in helping so many people.
    I am super excited about some great new things going on at Grace. There is a wonderful lady that is coming on to help with GraceKIDS...which will launch March 6th. Also I am starting up Ladies of Grace, which I hope will be the functional women ministry every lady deserves. Not a chance to gossip and definitely not a chance to bad mouth our husbands but a meeting that is servant project driven and a chance to be ourselves and build real relationships. I am excited and a bit surprised. Tim has constantly said I do not have to do anything for Grace. But I have been given the freedom to use my gifts and try new things. I love children ministry but I am eager to help with servant ministry and especially a women's ministry. I love the planning part of a new challenge. There are a ton of more things happening but I will let Tim share that when He gets his thoughts together.
   I finished my first semester of Graduate level school quite successfully and am enjoying the few days break before heading back into the full swing in March. My MIL is going to have knee replacement surgery on March 7th and she may be recovering with us for a while as our apartment has no steps and hers has a flight. I am also excited to have a rare chance to have an unplanned day. We have a few things that we may do but nothing concrete. I hope this gives me the time to clean a little and spend some down time.
    Pray for:
1. Cindee she is a lady that comes to Grace she is extremely ill and will be seeking medical advice at Vanderbilt this week.
2. Mrs. Nancy-knee issues
3. That I will adjust well to the new job and schedule of early ams and that I will get along well with the other lady in the room.
4. For Grace that it will grow and that God will always be the focus!
5. Tim's health
6. and for a close friend that needs a miracle in early march...
God Bless

In the Valley

     Let me start by saying my heart goes out to the Blythe and Allen Family. The Blythe Family had to bury a member much too soon, at 35 they lost a Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Uncle, Cousin, and Friend. It was sudden and unexpected and his family needs to know they are being prayed for.  The Allen Family, is currently dealing with a tragedy that occurred overseas defending our free country that we often take advantage they are holding things together but they are going to need prayer as they learn to define their new normal. (Side note, In my opinion it is not against God's law to say the Pledge of Allegiance). We are so very blessed in America in part from the bravery of families like this to serve their country and protect us.

     So when compared to my situations, they of course are going through so much more. However, I am in a valley. What do I mean? I mean that there are times when I feel like enough already that a good long temper tantrum would benefit me. It isn't just one big thing it is a million small things. Things I really do not have the liberty to share. I am able to share that my MIL is facing knee surgeries and has had her walking abilities greatly decreased over the last month causing us to have to alter what is she is able to do and try and add support. There are other family issues that I can not discuss.
    We also have the added stress of trying to lead people to Jesus, and people are broken, so they have different issues and sometimes they don't want to be part of what you offer, sometimes they are fighting spiritual battles and it takes a while even with a lot of support before change takes place, and unfortunately, some people just know the right things to say. We may be fooled but God is the only one that knows their heart. We extend our love and sometimes people don't want to be....so we have to brush off the pain and get tougher but keep moving forward. We feel lucky that there is man that has our van and is repairing it but it is so very difficult to not be able to get around. Add in the reality that most cars do not have the space or the seat Tim can get in due to his GBS and you can see the frustration adding. Tim has been able to go to one baptism and one hour sunday church services and even that has become a major difficulty. I am thankful that He is able to go to those things but he is feeling shut in and my heart breaks for him. I know it will be repaired but the question is when....Sometimes I don't think people know all the time and energy it takes to have even a good service. THey dont know how they are each prayed for and even more they dont know how important each of them are to us and to God.
     There is the stress that I now finally have a job interview for a teaching job in Smithville and now I am wondering how in the world am I going to get there and home? and when if I get another interview will I get back etc....Tim is feeling yucky and so am I. I am having lower back pain, sharp stabbing pains in my lower right side, and the weirdest vivid dreams ever....I had to take some Nyquil to finally sleep after four days...

      I am in a valley, I still cling to the fact that God is still God and that He will get us through. I just need to walk out to him and not look back or down...I don't like how I am feeling, I don't like the fact that bills are adding up and I don't like that I don't have the answers...but I do have faith that growth is happening and that good things are on the horizon. I sometimes feel that even well meaning Christians try to discourage other Christians from being honest. But here I am human, sad, a little disappointed, and wanting to see miracles...

Because God went before us

       Tonight was wonderful, I had the priviledge of attending Grace's first Baptism, we had the service at Bridges of Hope Fellowship, our mother church. For people that don't understand church planting lingo, that is a fancy way of saying that they love and support us because we are trying to start a brand new church to reach more people for Jesus. So they watch over us like a mother, letting us go and do and make our own mistakes but they are there for us for emotional support (you can not imagine unless you are doing this), financial support, and sometimes just a word of advice that keeps us from making mistakes that they have already seen made by themselves or other plants.
     Tim, my Hubby and Pastor, another odd thing unless you have ever been a pastor's wife, preached out of 2Kings 7. The first time I heard this sermon I was convinced that He had read the wrong scripture. The story is about four lepers that went forward into the enemies camp instead of deciding to stay right where there were and die. Its an odd story, not one i had ever heard before and I am sure I read quickly over this passage...which is not the best habit. At any  rate, the reason these people lived and long term ended a famine was that they went to the enemies camp. The reason they did so well was that the Lord went before them.
     This sermon makes me think...its not a logical step but the men were okay because the Lord went before him, when I first heard the sermon I was aware of the fact that Tim was comparing Grace to lepers...social outcasts and my concern was that He would accidentally hurt some feelings. Tonight, the Holy Spirit showed me an entirely different perspective. You see I was very concerned because Tim is in a wheelchair, I know more than anyone that there are times when He can't do somethings. I see the physical limitations and like any wife, I want to protect him, I have seen him fall, and seen him not be able to do things...One day, I came home from student teaching and the man could not walk. I try to help him not overdue things. But you see God allowed Tim to baptize the three new believers because, the Lord went before him.
     Why did we get a sponsor church? Because God went before us. Why did we have such concern when DeWayne and Natalie were hurting...because God allowed us to care about them and build a friendship...why did Bridges support us? Because God went before us. Even now, I see that the reason we heard about DeWayne at a prior church was because God was going before us. In fact even the fourth of July we spent with Bridges peeps was part of God's plan. It is funny to look back and see although none of us understood God was weaving our lives and opening doors. It touched my heart to see Pastor DeWayne offer hands to the people coming in and out of the baptistry...
    Why were we blessed with three new believers since October...you got it, because God went before us. Praise God for eternal differences...May we always be road blocks to people going down a destructive path. We had many reasons to cancel the service. One person was unable to attend the service. The neighbor that usually takes us to church is having car trouble. One of the ladies is prone to panic attacks. The heater at Bridges quit and the sound system hissed...but we went forward. Because you got it, God went before us.
    I whispered God please take care of Tim, and God said Melissa even when you are there "I am taking care of him" I called Tim  and I called you to help him...let me go before you...and I can only nod and agree. Thank you God for giving us these opportunities.
   

How being an infertile changes everything

I just really want to know your feelings about infertility. How has it changed you? How does it affect your everyday life? What does it mean to you to be a mom or add to your family? How do you imagine you'll feel when you get those ever-sought-after two pink lines?

This question was asked in one of the discussion boards I frequent for support for infertility issues. I love it is called Conception Obsession and they are a wonderful group of ladies that support t one another and help me feel hopeful as some of them have gotten their miracle children against all odds.

I know this may make some people uncomfortable, but this is part of which I am, and there are times when I need to be able to vent how I really feel. So here I go, trying to answer the questions that have haunted me for the last 4.5 years.

Infertility makes me feel like there is something uniquely wrong with me as if I am not a complete person. It makes me feel that somehow my past has caused even God himself deny me the joy of raising a healthy child and seeing them become wonderfully happy and healthy adults. Infertility makes me want to cry at odd times, and when I am not careful, become jealous. It makes me sad when people ask stupid questions like when am I going to be a mom or why don’t we have a child like I can just make the choice and the next month be a parent. It makes me guarded always feeling like I will never have the family I wanted since being a child. Infertility puts pressure on my marriage. I adore my husband and I know I am lucky to have him but it’s the invisible giant in the room. There e is unexplained anger and the realization that even though I try to stay positive there are no guarantees in life. There are the people that seem smug enough to offer advice from adopt you will get pregnant to stop trying so hard.

Infertility affects my everyday life, because unlike most people I am always aware of where I am in my cycle. My life is spent wondering if this cycle will be the one that just might be the miracle followed by the next day ending in frustration only to begin again. It makes me wish I was tons of things I am not, always wondering if I wasn’t fat, made better choices, and somehow did the right thing I would end up with a sweet little one.

Being a mom would be a privilege a chance to protect a sweet little soul as they encounter life. A chance to teach them how to love and forgive others. A chance to help them come to know Jesus as their personal savior. It means being able to say to my Husband, Honey, look our baby is smiling, walking, talking. A chance to love him even more because there is a child that has both of our qualities. I dream of this child, it is so real it feels like a death not to be able to see the little one. I guess you cannot understand this unless you have lived through this.

At this point, to see a positive pregnancy test would seem like a miracle that I could not trust. I would worry the test was wrong, that I would miscarry. I hope if my miracle comes I can enjoy it.

I have heard from many well-meaning people about how I need to trust God and one day He will give it to me or even well you were not meant to have a child. Both of these statements are hurtful. Yes God loves me and I trust him, but I also cling to the fact that God will give me the desires of my heart, and that desire is to be a Momma.

2011 Resolutions

I know the new year has started it just takes me a little longer....
To begin with, I usually bully my Husband into helping me come up with goals together but this year, He won saying honestly He only had one resolution and that was to get out of the wheelchair. I am hoping his resolution comes true. My were a little more detailed...so here are my Eleven in 2011.
1. Visit Texas
2. Obtain Employment as a Teacher
3. Have at least one small get away just us.
4. Keep weekly date night plans and find new things to explore together.
5. Find at least twenty-five minutes three times a week to walk.
6. Learn to eat healthier.
7. Read the Bible through this year.
8. Earn my ESL endorsement and determine what my next academic step should be.
9. Learn some spanish.
10. Get more organized at home.
11. Develop strategies that will improve my time management skills.

Time

     Time is a crazy concept, whether or not we are aware of it, it continues to move forward. I am feeling like somehow no matter what I am doing I am not using time very wisely. Now in all honesty, I know part of this is done in support of my husband's position. With my DH being a Pastor and a Church Planter in a very unusual type of church intentionally reaching the people that most churches simply don't care enough to invite and would even feel uncomfortable in their presence. This means, even though, it has never be stated or even asked from the Hubby I feel like we are missionaries that people are watching what we do and what we say. So that means sometimes females especially want to talk about girl things or ask advice or simply need someone to listen. I don't mind this at all I want to help them especially new believers.
     Family, okay mostly Tim's family, he only really has a mom and one sister that is living, but they both are a lot a like and they fight well it seems like all the time. Both want things their way, all the time, and both make bad decisions even when warned that it might not be the best decision. Tim, being the only male in the family, is often put in the role of being the "man" of the house and is sought out for advice. This annoys me because it feels like wasted time if someone seeks your advice and then doesn't take any of it and sometimes I wish we had just had our stuff to deal with.
     Graduate school, well it takes time to learn and effort, and if I was honest, well I am just not feeling it. I want to teach tomorrow's future leaders not write elaborate papers about how to best teach them. And while I know teaching will not make me rich a monthly paycheck would rock these days. I still haven't heard from the Headstart Program that took applications until January 6th. Tim thinks it is the snows fault.
     I am completely obsessed with the thoughts of our first ever vacation, in spite the many moves, we haven't really taken some time as a couple and simply went somewhere by ourselves, closest thing prior to this plan was the Carson Springs Church Planting Training and well there was a lot of information and meetings. I also have some anxiety about the entire trip but that I will save for another post.
    And then there is the dinner plans from the friends we want to build a relationship with, a baptismal service, a churches planting churches meeting on Thursday, assuming of course our van is back on the road, and a major exam scheduled for Saturday. Oh yes and Tim started back atseminary today.
    But I share all of this to simply say, I need to work on time management but well who has the time?