and I don't feel the same.
To begin with, what should have been a fairly simple ordeal has ended with my mother in law, just recently becoming weightbearing on both legs and needing quite a bit of assistance. She now has to use a wheelchair for any kind of distance. I had hoped that after the knee replacement she would begin to feel more active and this is not the case. I feel at a loss and spend most of my recent time running back and forth between our apartments. I also sometimes have the urge to go and visit our couch.
It has been rough to see that while Tim is using a walker more He still is not ambulatory and the medical advice we have found is not encouraging. He was able to do five steps to get into a friends home but that was miserable determination and he was in a lot of pain the next few days. He has simply wore himself out in every possible form....mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually and being the "strong silent type" has left me trying to make things right and pick up the pieces. I am not placing blame its just the way we are. He can accept things are what they are and here is what should have been different and I simply get stuck in the WHY mode. We drive one another crazy and for what to end up agreeing to disagree.
Grace is not currently meeting. This sucks its like a divorce from the family. Many people came through as if we were a short term foster placement and moved forward...which is great. Seeing people get off drugs, away from prostitution, leave cults and not get abused are awesome but it also sometimes means they have to leave the area to get the new start they need. I dont regret investing in these peoples lives and I am so glad we were successful at least in that way. Three people became Christians. They have changed their life paths and have changed their destinies that was the entire reason we existed. But here was the reality, we were so exhausted from the health and family issues that it was not the focus. And anything less than first priority is not fair. I don't think it is dead but we needed a sabbatical. We still do. I am not sure what the future holds...Im trying to deal with life one day at a time.
It is also the time of the year when I start putting out teacher applications. I really want an elementary school job where i can love children and get additional professional development.
Prayers appreciated!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Chattanooga Getaway
I had a great time this past week in Chattanooga. It was a great time overall. We went on a trip kinda spur of the moment, yes we had one a little investigative work in case we ever had the chance to go but for those of you that know me I have a great love for planning possible road trips and secretly thought that Chattanooga would most likely be another chapter in that category. To my surprise, Tuesday came and with the realization that I would be helping Tim's mom a lot over the next couple weeks, add in Graduate studies, job hunting for next year, and the already hectic life of the wife of a church planter and you have a slightly frazzled over emotional Melissa...We drove a little over ninety miles. We felt like we passed through another world though due in part to the time change. We opted to drive the interstate mostly because of the hilly nature of the drive. We arrived at the hotel about two pm.
The hotel was a little disappointing. Tim's handicap accessible room had a tub that was too high and it was on the second floor. In other words, it was not ideal. It did have an elevator. I guess Tim has improved enough to use a walker some so that helped. I had hoped for more because I had made the time to call and ask specifically for an accessible room. I know in the future to ask more specific questions and to not assume that an accessible room is well really ADA complaint. The bright spot is that there were no fires and there were no falls or injuries.
The first night, we were there in time to check in and then we went to see an unusal tourist attraction. It was the International Towing and Recovery Museum. The only one in the world, because the concepts of Tow Trucks began right here in the wonderful state of Tennessee. We had a coupon and got in the museum for two dollars less. So for fourteen dollars, we got to see about a fifteen minute clip on Tow Trucks, saw about sixteen antique tow trucks from around the world and an extensive amount of replica and toy tow trucks. There was a hall of fame for tow truck drivers and then an average gift shop. We got Tim a camo hat with ITR and a tow truck. It was the last one. We got Betty a small keepsake too but mostly because of an inside joke. I also got a magnet...I just had to have something. We took pictures of course and we went on our way. That night we took it easy. We ate at Friday's and rested up. It was amazing how tired we were from all the drama that was occuring in our family.
The next day we got up early and headed to the Tennessee Aquarium. It was amazing, we didn't stay with the tour but we took in tons of interesting stuff. I loved the penguins and Tim loved the huge Turtle. The sharks were also awesome! We had a great time and enjoyed the glass displays. We also went to see the Chattanooga Choo Choo, which has the greatest gift shop and we also drove around Downtown Chattanooga. I love Chattanooga. We also went to a huge Walmart...and rested the next day would be a return home situation primarily because MIL had a family meeting on thursday. It was a great getaway. Doesn't happen that often.
The hotel was a little disappointing. Tim's handicap accessible room had a tub that was too high and it was on the second floor. In other words, it was not ideal. It did have an elevator. I guess Tim has improved enough to use a walker some so that helped. I had hoped for more because I had made the time to call and ask specifically for an accessible room. I know in the future to ask more specific questions and to not assume that an accessible room is well really ADA complaint. The bright spot is that there were no fires and there were no falls or injuries.
The first night, we were there in time to check in and then we went to see an unusal tourist attraction. It was the International Towing and Recovery Museum. The only one in the world, because the concepts of Tow Trucks began right here in the wonderful state of Tennessee. We had a coupon and got in the museum for two dollars less. So for fourteen dollars, we got to see about a fifteen minute clip on Tow Trucks, saw about sixteen antique tow trucks from around the world and an extensive amount of replica and toy tow trucks. There was a hall of fame for tow truck drivers and then an average gift shop. We got Tim a camo hat with ITR and a tow truck. It was the last one. We got Betty a small keepsake too but mostly because of an inside joke. I also got a magnet...I just had to have something. We took pictures of course and we went on our way. That night we took it easy. We ate at Friday's and rested up. It was amazing how tired we were from all the drama that was occuring in our family.
The next day we got up early and headed to the Tennessee Aquarium. It was amazing, we didn't stay with the tour but we took in tons of interesting stuff. I loved the penguins and Tim loved the huge Turtle. The sharks were also awesome! We had a great time and enjoyed the glass displays. We also went to see the Chattanooga Choo Choo, which has the greatest gift shop and we also drove around Downtown Chattanooga. I love Chattanooga. We also went to a huge Walmart...and rested the next day would be a return home situation primarily because MIL had a family meeting on thursday. It was a great getaway. Doesn't happen that often.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Cycle
It seems like all of life comes in cycles, and that goes along naturally with the pattern of life that you see here on earth. People are born and others die. Some way too soon. There should be patterns of sadness and times of joy. There should be time of giving and times of taking. Ideally, life is marked with memorable moments, frequent laughter, and a few true friends.
There are moments when I am outraged by the insensitive behavior of others. I am sick of family drama. Disappointed by so-called friends and dealing with personal grief and depression. There are times like today, when I just want to throw up my hands and runaway from everything. My personal diagnosis of myself is that I am suffering from complete burnout. So I am declaring it an emergency. My calendar may be filled to the brim with mil dr appts, "so-called Family Meetings" church priorities, and graduate studies but I am going to cancel whatever it takes and we are leaving town for a few days. I know that people are quick to say that when you come back everything is still here to deal with but right now I just want to escape. And so because we need a break, because I am burn out, because I am so very sad, we are leaving ASAP. Hopefully Tuesday. Pray we get to go!
There are moments when I am outraged by the insensitive behavior of others. I am sick of family drama. Disappointed by so-called friends and dealing with personal grief and depression. There are times like today, when I just want to throw up my hands and runaway from everything. My personal diagnosis of myself is that I am suffering from complete burnout. So I am declaring it an emergency. My calendar may be filled to the brim with mil dr appts, "so-called Family Meetings" church priorities, and graduate studies but I am going to cancel whatever it takes and we are leaving town for a few days. I know that people are quick to say that when you come back everything is still here to deal with but right now I just want to escape. And so because we need a break, because I am burn out, because I am so very sad, we are leaving ASAP. Hopefully Tuesday. Pray we get to go!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Today was the day
I remember being a small child, upstairs looking out my window listening to my parents fighting and secretly knowing that one day that great pair of parents would show up and say there had been some horrible mix up and that they had come to take me home. My parents were not monsters but they did not get along. They were from different worlds and at times the tension could have been cut with a knife.
When I was fourteen, I went to live with my oldest sister, the courts got involved and she got custody. All of the promises that were made about staying in touch with my parents were broken in a matter of days. The phone number was changed and I was supposed to move forward with no real family. My sisters hubby was upset at the idea that here he was taking care of a child that was not his. My father quit his job taking a really early retirement in an attempt to cut the child support payments that would be sent. Once again I longed to feel included but instead spent most of my time in the basement where my room was. Away from the family so as not to impede on the time that she had with her husband or her kids. I loved them but I would hear him say that "she is not my responsibility." Then one day, I was blamed for killing a cat. I had not shut the gate and the kitten had followed me and the dog killed it. I was so dsitraught that I took some pills...my sister shipped me off to my cousins.
I felt all alone and desparately wanted to be loved. A long story short, my entire life I have wanted to have a family. I have looked for love in some crazy places trying to fill this void. I have made my share of mistakes. I wish I had made other choices for a great part of my life. I did make one great choice. I married Tim in 2006. We have had a lot of struggles but I dont regret it. To make a long story short, I have always prayed hoped and believed that one day I would get to be a Mommy and raise a healthy child to be a responsible adult. I would get to share the funny things they said, to go on field trips, to take pics at games, to embarrass them as they plow through the difficult teenage years....but the reality is that has not been our reality. I feel angry. Tim is a great man he would be a great dad. I would be a great mom. But this is not to be.
Many people say adopt but with the current health issues and limited income that we now have we would not qualify for this option either. The idea of saving thousands of dollars at a chance is also a far shot. But today, after having my heart broken, and realizing that no decision is going to give me my miracle I finally decided it was time to stop feeling less that worthy or less of a woman. More than that it was time to stop feeling like less than a person. The decision is painful and different that some would make in my place but the reality is that I am making the choice. I am releasing the desire that has enslaved me and hurt me for so many years. I am going to accept that I am going to live the rest of my life child free. For some of you, this was a given, but for me it is a last step on a painful process.
When I was fourteen, I went to live with my oldest sister, the courts got involved and she got custody. All of the promises that were made about staying in touch with my parents were broken in a matter of days. The phone number was changed and I was supposed to move forward with no real family. My sisters hubby was upset at the idea that here he was taking care of a child that was not his. My father quit his job taking a really early retirement in an attempt to cut the child support payments that would be sent. Once again I longed to feel included but instead spent most of my time in the basement where my room was. Away from the family so as not to impede on the time that she had with her husband or her kids. I loved them but I would hear him say that "she is not my responsibility." Then one day, I was blamed for killing a cat. I had not shut the gate and the kitten had followed me and the dog killed it. I was so dsitraught that I took some pills...my sister shipped me off to my cousins.
I felt all alone and desparately wanted to be loved. A long story short, my entire life I have wanted to have a family. I have looked for love in some crazy places trying to fill this void. I have made my share of mistakes. I wish I had made other choices for a great part of my life. I did make one great choice. I married Tim in 2006. We have had a lot of struggles but I dont regret it. To make a long story short, I have always prayed hoped and believed that one day I would get to be a Mommy and raise a healthy child to be a responsible adult. I would get to share the funny things they said, to go on field trips, to take pics at games, to embarrass them as they plow through the difficult teenage years....but the reality is that has not been our reality. I feel angry. Tim is a great man he would be a great dad. I would be a great mom. But this is not to be.
Many people say adopt but with the current health issues and limited income that we now have we would not qualify for this option either. The idea of saving thousands of dollars at a chance is also a far shot. But today, after having my heart broken, and realizing that no decision is going to give me my miracle I finally decided it was time to stop feeling less that worthy or less of a woman. More than that it was time to stop feeling like less than a person. The decision is painful and different that some would make in my place but the reality is that I am making the choice. I am releasing the desire that has enslaved me and hurt me for so many years. I am going to accept that I am going to live the rest of my life child free. For some of you, this was a given, but for me it is a last step on a painful process.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Missing something that has never been.
Let's get real. I know it is a scary thought but here it goes, this is Melissa uncensored.
Only those closest to me knows the deep desire I have to become a mom by whatever means necessary. Often I day dream of adopting two older children and by some miracle waking up pregnant with twins. When I share these remarks with others they lookat me odd, yes the only thing that feels like it is missing from my life is the chance to be a mom. I can not explain this to the average person that has been blessed with a little one or who is currently living with a teenager. Am I crazy? Or asking for trouble? This entire line of questions disturbs me. It is wrong to assume that every single kid in foster care is some monster waiting to poison the family and burn down your house? Seems a little irrational to me. Sure they are teenagers with raging hormones and a messed up past but well most kids are at that point. I want to be a mom but the bigger desire is to make the world a better place. I can not think of a better way to improve the world than to invest in the lives of a teenager or school kid. Will they get in trouble? Yes, they are kids...Will they change me life as I know it? Yes if I do it right. Will it add stress, well almost anything worth doing will. So here I am in conflict. Where do I continue to put my efforts? PRaying for a miracle, trying to save to pursue infertility treatments to have my own child, or trying to foster to adopt older kids? Any suggestions or input?
Only those closest to me knows the deep desire I have to become a mom by whatever means necessary. Often I day dream of adopting two older children and by some miracle waking up pregnant with twins. When I share these remarks with others they lookat me odd, yes the only thing that feels like it is missing from my life is the chance to be a mom. I can not explain this to the average person that has been blessed with a little one or who is currently living with a teenager. Am I crazy? Or asking for trouble? This entire line of questions disturbs me. It is wrong to assume that every single kid in foster care is some monster waiting to poison the family and burn down your house? Seems a little irrational to me. Sure they are teenagers with raging hormones and a messed up past but well most kids are at that point. I want to be a mom but the bigger desire is to make the world a better place. I can not think of a better way to improve the world than to invest in the lives of a teenager or school kid. Will they get in trouble? Yes, they are kids...Will they change me life as I know it? Yes if I do it right. Will it add stress, well almost anything worth doing will. So here I am in conflict. Where do I continue to put my efforts? PRaying for a miracle, trying to save to pursue infertility treatments to have my own child, or trying to foster to adopt older kids? Any suggestions or input?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Yesterday's gone...yesterday's gone
I noticed that in all the busyness of daily life I had not taken time to really blog this month. I guess I dont have much breaking news although I have had some good experiences. I was fortunate to get an official job offer as a Teacher in a near by County, I have been there a week and there has been both good and bad experiences. I have not been given a full copy of policies and procedures or had any official training on the growing piles of required paperwork. I have, however, fell in love with many of my new students. My room situation is awkward, the TA in the room, has been acting as the teacher for months and is not in essence training her replacement. It is a case of being happy for me and sad a little for her. I hope I can remember her feelings and still engage the students as their teacher. Its hard especially since there has been two prior teachers one quit and another transferred and as with any group of children there are certainly special needs that need to be taken into account. I generally am an assertive person but am trying to deal with this awkward situation in a gentle manner. I keep telling myself that God went before me. The lady in the room is nice and a Christian. We have different approaches to teaching but that does not mean we dont have the same desired outcomes.We will be partners in helping each child have many opportunities to learn.I wish she would go back to school but I also know for some reason God gave me this chance. I will say there are times when it feels odd and I hope I can learn everything so that I can be really exceptional at my job. I like knowing exactly what to expect and be well prepared. This is not the situation I prefer being thrown into the environment. My problems are policy related and I need to make it a priority to understand the requirements of my new position. It has also been hectic in that it is extremely difficult to assist Tim with all the church responsiblities that go along with being a Pastor Wife and the unique ones that have to be overcome due to his physical limitations. Tim and I had a great chat and I think we can rework our schedule so that all the important things are covered. I am feeling a lot disorganized and a little disgruntled but after seeking the advice of Ms. Natalie, a wonderful friend and a great Pastor wife, I am going to set boundaries and make task lists. I love her.
Valentine's Day may never really be celebrated in our home. We did spend some time together and this year it marked starting a new job but the reality is that I associated it with Tim getting the flu bug that would take his ability to walk away. I know my hubby loves me, he tells me, spends time with me and is available when I need him. I am thankful for him.
I must admit there were also challenging times. The eighteenth marked the one year mark since Tim developed GBS. It is trauma filled and full of bad memories but even though we had hoped for full recovery I do see some improvement, not as quick as I want it, but that too is not surprising as I struggle with impatience. I am a proud wife of a wonderful and resilient man who lives to share Jesus with others. He is a great balance of stubborn and patient with me and others and I love the dreams that he has for making the world better.
Saturday was the first Second Harvest Food I have ever had a chance to volunteer with. It was a humbling and wonderful experience to be part of helping over 200 families in Warren County get the food they need to survive. The wonderful volunteers were so giving and although I felt lost it was an amazing experience to even have a small part in helping so many people.
I am super excited about some great new things going on at Grace. There is a wonderful lady that is coming on to help with GraceKIDS...which will launch March 6th. Also I am starting up Ladies of Grace, which I hope will be the functional women ministry every lady deserves. Not a chance to gossip and definitely not a chance to bad mouth our husbands but a meeting that is servant project driven and a chance to be ourselves and build real relationships. I am excited and a bit surprised. Tim has constantly said I do not have to do anything for Grace. But I have been given the freedom to use my gifts and try new things. I love children ministry but I am eager to help with servant ministry and especially a women's ministry. I love the planning part of a new challenge. There are a ton of more things happening but I will let Tim share that when He gets his thoughts together.
I finished my first semester of Graduate level school quite successfully and am enjoying the few days break before heading back into the full swing in March. My MIL is going to have knee replacement surgery on March 7th and she may be recovering with us for a while as our apartment has no steps and hers has a flight. I am also excited to have a rare chance to have an unplanned day. We have a few things that we may do but nothing concrete. I hope this gives me the time to clean a little and spend some down time.
Pray for:
1. Cindee she is a lady that comes to Grace she is extremely ill and will be seeking medical advice at Vanderbilt this week.
2. Mrs. Nancy-knee issues
3. That I will adjust well to the new job and schedule of early ams and that I will get along well with the other lady in the room.
4. For Grace that it will grow and that God will always be the focus!
5. Tim's health
6. and for a close friend that needs a miracle in early march...
God Bless
Valentine's Day may never really be celebrated in our home. We did spend some time together and this year it marked starting a new job but the reality is that I associated it with Tim getting the flu bug that would take his ability to walk away. I know my hubby loves me, he tells me, spends time with me and is available when I need him. I am thankful for him.
I must admit there were also challenging times. The eighteenth marked the one year mark since Tim developed GBS. It is trauma filled and full of bad memories but even though we had hoped for full recovery I do see some improvement, not as quick as I want it, but that too is not surprising as I struggle with impatience. I am a proud wife of a wonderful and resilient man who lives to share Jesus with others. He is a great balance of stubborn and patient with me and others and I love the dreams that he has for making the world better.
Saturday was the first Second Harvest Food I have ever had a chance to volunteer with. It was a humbling and wonderful experience to be part of helping over 200 families in Warren County get the food they need to survive. The wonderful volunteers were so giving and although I felt lost it was an amazing experience to even have a small part in helping so many people.
I am super excited about some great new things going on at Grace. There is a wonderful lady that is coming on to help with GraceKIDS...which will launch March 6th. Also I am starting up Ladies of Grace, which I hope will be the functional women ministry every lady deserves. Not a chance to gossip and definitely not a chance to bad mouth our husbands but a meeting that is servant project driven and a chance to be ourselves and build real relationships. I am excited and a bit surprised. Tim has constantly said I do not have to do anything for Grace. But I have been given the freedom to use my gifts and try new things. I love children ministry but I am eager to help with servant ministry and especially a women's ministry. I love the planning part of a new challenge. There are a ton of more things happening but I will let Tim share that when He gets his thoughts together.
I finished my first semester of Graduate level school quite successfully and am enjoying the few days break before heading back into the full swing in March. My MIL is going to have knee replacement surgery on March 7th and she may be recovering with us for a while as our apartment has no steps and hers has a flight. I am also excited to have a rare chance to have an unplanned day. We have a few things that we may do but nothing concrete. I hope this gives me the time to clean a little and spend some down time.
Pray for:
1. Cindee she is a lady that comes to Grace she is extremely ill and will be seeking medical advice at Vanderbilt this week.
2. Mrs. Nancy-knee issues
3. That I will adjust well to the new job and schedule of early ams and that I will get along well with the other lady in the room.
4. For Grace that it will grow and that God will always be the focus!
5. Tim's health
6. and for a close friend that needs a miracle in early march...
God Bless
Monday, January 24, 2011
In the Valley
Let me start by saying my heart goes out to the Blythe and Allen Family. The Blythe Family had to bury a member much too soon, at 35 they lost a Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Uncle, Cousin, and Friend. It was sudden and unexpected and his family needs to know they are being prayed for. The Allen Family, is currently dealing with a tragedy that occurred overseas defending our free country that we often take advantage they are holding things together but they are going to need prayer as they learn to define their new normal. (Side note, In my opinion it is not against God's law to say the Pledge of Allegiance). We are so very blessed in America in part from the bravery of families like this to serve their country and protect us.
So when compared to my situations, they of course are going through so much more. However, I am in a valley. What do I mean? I mean that there are times when I feel like enough already that a good long temper tantrum would benefit me. It isn't just one big thing it is a million small things. Things I really do not have the liberty to share. I am able to share that my MIL is facing knee surgeries and has had her walking abilities greatly decreased over the last month causing us to have to alter what is she is able to do and try and add support. There are other family issues that I can not discuss.
We also have the added stress of trying to lead people to Jesus, and people are broken, so they have different issues and sometimes they don't want to be part of what you offer, sometimes they are fighting spiritual battles and it takes a while even with a lot of support before change takes place, and unfortunately, some people just know the right things to say. We may be fooled but God is the only one that knows their heart. We extend our love and sometimes people don't want to be....so we have to brush off the pain and get tougher but keep moving forward. We feel lucky that there is man that has our van and is repairing it but it is so very difficult to not be able to get around. Add in the reality that most cars do not have the space or the seat Tim can get in due to his GBS and you can see the frustration adding. Tim has been able to go to one baptism and one hour sunday church services and even that has become a major difficulty. I am thankful that He is able to go to those things but he is feeling shut in and my heart breaks for him. I know it will be repaired but the question is when....Sometimes I don't think people know all the time and energy it takes to have even a good service. THey dont know how they are each prayed for and even more they dont know how important each of them are to us and to God.
There is the stress that I now finally have a job interview for a teaching job in Smithville and now I am wondering how in the world am I going to get there and home? and when if I get another interview will I get back etc....Tim is feeling yucky and so am I. I am having lower back pain, sharp stabbing pains in my lower right side, and the weirdest vivid dreams ever....I had to take some Nyquil to finally sleep after four days...
I am in a valley, I still cling to the fact that God is still God and that He will get us through. I just need to walk out to him and not look back or down...I don't like how I am feeling, I don't like the fact that bills are adding up and I don't like that I don't have the answers...but I do have faith that growth is happening and that good things are on the horizon. I sometimes feel that even well meaning Christians try to discourage other Christians from being honest. But here I am human, sad, a little disappointed, and wanting to see miracles...
So when compared to my situations, they of course are going through so much more. However, I am in a valley. What do I mean? I mean that there are times when I feel like enough already that a good long temper tantrum would benefit me. It isn't just one big thing it is a million small things. Things I really do not have the liberty to share. I am able to share that my MIL is facing knee surgeries and has had her walking abilities greatly decreased over the last month causing us to have to alter what is she is able to do and try and add support. There are other family issues that I can not discuss.
We also have the added stress of trying to lead people to Jesus, and people are broken, so they have different issues and sometimes they don't want to be part of what you offer, sometimes they are fighting spiritual battles and it takes a while even with a lot of support before change takes place, and unfortunately, some people just know the right things to say. We may be fooled but God is the only one that knows their heart. We extend our love and sometimes people don't want to be....so we have to brush off the pain and get tougher but keep moving forward. We feel lucky that there is man that has our van and is repairing it but it is so very difficult to not be able to get around. Add in the reality that most cars do not have the space or the seat Tim can get in due to his GBS and you can see the frustration adding. Tim has been able to go to one baptism and one hour sunday church services and even that has become a major difficulty. I am thankful that He is able to go to those things but he is feeling shut in and my heart breaks for him. I know it will be repaired but the question is when....Sometimes I don't think people know all the time and energy it takes to have even a good service. THey dont know how they are each prayed for and even more they dont know how important each of them are to us and to God.
There is the stress that I now finally have a job interview for a teaching job in Smithville and now I am wondering how in the world am I going to get there and home? and when if I get another interview will I get back etc....Tim is feeling yucky and so am I. I am having lower back pain, sharp stabbing pains in my lower right side, and the weirdest vivid dreams ever....I had to take some Nyquil to finally sleep after four days...
I am in a valley, I still cling to the fact that God is still God and that He will get us through. I just need to walk out to him and not look back or down...I don't like how I am feeling, I don't like the fact that bills are adding up and I don't like that I don't have the answers...but I do have faith that growth is happening and that good things are on the horizon. I sometimes feel that even well meaning Christians try to discourage other Christians from being honest. But here I am human, sad, a little disappointed, and wanting to see miracles...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Because God went before us
Tonight was wonderful, I had the priviledge of attending Grace's first Baptism, we had the service at Bridges of Hope Fellowship, our mother church. For people that don't understand church planting lingo, that is a fancy way of saying that they love and support us because we are trying to start a brand new church to reach more people for Jesus. So they watch over us like a mother, letting us go and do and make our own mistakes but they are there for us for emotional support (you can not imagine unless you are doing this), financial support, and sometimes just a word of advice that keeps us from making mistakes that they have already seen made by themselves or other plants.
Tim, my Hubby and Pastor, another odd thing unless you have ever been a pastor's wife, preached out of 2Kings 7. The first time I heard this sermon I was convinced that He had read the wrong scripture. The story is about four lepers that went forward into the enemies camp instead of deciding to stay right where there were and die. Its an odd story, not one i had ever heard before and I am sure I read quickly over this passage...which is not the best habit. At any rate, the reason these people lived and long term ended a famine was that they went to the enemies camp. The reason they did so well was that the Lord went before them.
This sermon makes me think...its not a logical step but the men were okay because the Lord went before him, when I first heard the sermon I was aware of the fact that Tim was comparing Grace to lepers...social outcasts and my concern was that He would accidentally hurt some feelings. Tonight, the Holy Spirit showed me an entirely different perspective. You see I was very concerned because Tim is in a wheelchair, I know more than anyone that there are times when He can't do somethings. I see the physical limitations and like any wife, I want to protect him, I have seen him fall, and seen him not be able to do things...One day, I came home from student teaching and the man could not walk. I try to help him not overdue things. But you see God allowed Tim to baptize the three new believers because, the Lord went before him.
Why did we get a sponsor church? Because God went before us. Why did we have such concern when DeWayne and Natalie were hurting...because God allowed us to care about them and build a friendship...why did Bridges support us? Because God went before us. Even now, I see that the reason we heard about DeWayne at a prior church was because God was going before us. In fact even the fourth of July we spent with Bridges peeps was part of God's plan. It is funny to look back and see although none of us understood God was weaving our lives and opening doors. It touched my heart to see Pastor DeWayne offer hands to the people coming in and out of the baptistry...
Why were we blessed with three new believers since October...you got it, because God went before us. Praise God for eternal differences...May we always be road blocks to people going down a destructive path. We had many reasons to cancel the service. One person was unable to attend the service. The neighbor that usually takes us to church is having car trouble. One of the ladies is prone to panic attacks. The heater at Bridges quit and the sound system hissed...but we went forward. Because you got it, God went before us.
I whispered God please take care of Tim, and God said Melissa even when you are there "I am taking care of him" I called Tim and I called you to help him...let me go before you...and I can only nod and agree. Thank you God for giving us these opportunities.
Tim, my Hubby and Pastor, another odd thing unless you have ever been a pastor's wife, preached out of 2Kings 7. The first time I heard this sermon I was convinced that He had read the wrong scripture. The story is about four lepers that went forward into the enemies camp instead of deciding to stay right where there were and die. Its an odd story, not one i had ever heard before and I am sure I read quickly over this passage...which is not the best habit. At any rate, the reason these people lived and long term ended a famine was that they went to the enemies camp. The reason they did so well was that the Lord went before them.
This sermon makes me think...its not a logical step but the men were okay because the Lord went before him, when I first heard the sermon I was aware of the fact that Tim was comparing Grace to lepers...social outcasts and my concern was that He would accidentally hurt some feelings. Tonight, the Holy Spirit showed me an entirely different perspective. You see I was very concerned because Tim is in a wheelchair, I know more than anyone that there are times when He can't do somethings. I see the physical limitations and like any wife, I want to protect him, I have seen him fall, and seen him not be able to do things...One day, I came home from student teaching and the man could not walk. I try to help him not overdue things. But you see God allowed Tim to baptize the three new believers because, the Lord went before him.
Why did we get a sponsor church? Because God went before us. Why did we have such concern when DeWayne and Natalie were hurting...because God allowed us to care about them and build a friendship...why did Bridges support us? Because God went before us. Even now, I see that the reason we heard about DeWayne at a prior church was because God was going before us. In fact even the fourth of July we spent with Bridges peeps was part of God's plan. It is funny to look back and see although none of us understood God was weaving our lives and opening doors. It touched my heart to see Pastor DeWayne offer hands to the people coming in and out of the baptistry...
Why were we blessed with three new believers since October...you got it, because God went before us. Praise God for eternal differences...May we always be road blocks to people going down a destructive path. We had many reasons to cancel the service. One person was unable to attend the service. The neighbor that usually takes us to church is having car trouble. One of the ladies is prone to panic attacks. The heater at Bridges quit and the sound system hissed...but we went forward. Because you got it, God went before us.
I whispered God please take care of Tim, and God said Melissa even when you are there "I am taking care of him" I called Tim and I called you to help him...let me go before you...and I can only nod and agree. Thank you God for giving us these opportunities.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
How being an infertile changes everything
I just really want to know your feelings about infertility. How has it changed you? How does it affect your everyday life? What does it mean to you to be a mom or add to your family? How do you imagine you'll feel when you get those ever-sought-after two pink lines?
This question was asked in one of the discussion boards I frequent for support for infertility issues. I love it is called Conception Obsession and they are a wonderful group of ladies that support t one another and help me feel hopeful as some of them have gotten their miracle children against all odds.
I know this may make some people uncomfortable, but this is part of which I am, and there are times when I need to be able to vent how I really feel. So here I go, trying to answer the questions that have haunted me for the last 4.5 years.
Infertility makes me feel like there is something uniquely wrong with me as if I am not a complete person. It makes me feel that somehow my past has caused even God himself deny me the joy of raising a healthy child and seeing them become wonderfully happy and healthy adults. Infertility makes me want to cry at odd times, and when I am not careful, become jealous. It makes me sad when people ask stupid questions like when am I going to be a mom or why don’t we have a child like I can just make the choice and the next month be a parent. It makes me guarded always feeling like I will never have the family I wanted since being a child. Infertility puts pressure on my marriage. I adore my husband and I know I am lucky to have him but it’s the invisible giant in the room. There e is unexplained anger and the realization that even though I try to stay positive there are no guarantees in life. There are the people that seem smug enough to offer advice from adopt you will get pregnant to stop trying so hard.
Infertility affects my everyday life, because unlike most people I am always aware of where I am in my cycle. My life is spent wondering if this cycle will be the one that just might be the miracle followed by the next day ending in frustration only to begin again. It makes me wish I was tons of things I am not, always wondering if I wasn’t fat, made better choices, and somehow did the right thing I would end up with a sweet little one.
Being a mom would be a privilege a chance to protect a sweet little soul as they encounter life. A chance to teach them how to love and forgive others. A chance to help them come to know Jesus as their personal savior. It means being able to say to my Husband, Honey, look our baby is smiling, walking, talking. A chance to love him even more because there is a child that has both of our qualities. I dream of this child, it is so real it feels like a death not to be able to see the little one. I guess you cannot understand this unless you have lived through this.
At this point, to see a positive pregnancy test would seem like a miracle that I could not trust. I would worry the test was wrong, that I would miscarry. I hope if my miracle comes I can enjoy it.
I have heard from many well-meaning people about how I need to trust God and one day He will give it to me or even well you were not meant to have a child. Both of these statements are hurtful. Yes God loves me and I trust him, but I also cling to the fact that God will give me the desires of my heart, and that desire is to be a Momma.
2011 Resolutions
I know the new year has started it just takes me a little longer....
To begin with, I usually bully my Husband into helping me come up with goals together but this year, He won saying honestly He only had one resolution and that was to get out of the wheelchair. I am hoping his resolution comes true. My were a little more detailed...so here are my Eleven in 2011.
1. Visit Texas
2. Obtain Employment as a Teacher
3. Have at least one small get away just us.
4. Keep weekly date night plans and find new things to explore together.
5. Find at least twenty-five minutes three times a week to walk.
6. Learn to eat healthier.
7. Read the Bible through this year.
8. Earn my ESL endorsement and determine what my next academic step should be.
9. Learn some spanish.
10. Get more organized at home.
11. Develop strategies that will improve my time management skills.
To begin with, I usually bully my Husband into helping me come up with goals together but this year, He won saying honestly He only had one resolution and that was to get out of the wheelchair. I am hoping his resolution comes true. My were a little more detailed...so here are my Eleven in 2011.
1. Visit Texas
2. Obtain Employment as a Teacher
3. Have at least one small get away just us.
4. Keep weekly date night plans and find new things to explore together.
5. Find at least twenty-five minutes three times a week to walk.
6. Learn to eat healthier.
7. Read the Bible through this year.
8. Earn my ESL endorsement and determine what my next academic step should be.
9. Learn some spanish.
10. Get more organized at home.
11. Develop strategies that will improve my time management skills.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Time
Time is a crazy concept, whether or not we are aware of it, it continues to move forward. I am feeling like somehow no matter what I am doing I am not using time very wisely. Now in all honesty, I know part of this is done in support of my husband's position. With my DH being a Pastor and a Church Planter in a very unusual type of church intentionally reaching the people that most churches simply don't care enough to invite and would even feel uncomfortable in their presence. This means, even though, it has never be stated or even asked from the Hubby I feel like we are missionaries that people are watching what we do and what we say. So that means sometimes females especially want to talk about girl things or ask advice or simply need someone to listen. I don't mind this at all I want to help them especially new believers.
Family, okay mostly Tim's family, he only really has a mom and one sister that is living, but they both are a lot a like and they fight well it seems like all the time. Both want things their way, all the time, and both make bad decisions even when warned that it might not be the best decision. Tim, being the only male in the family, is often put in the role of being the "man" of the house and is sought out for advice. This annoys me because it feels like wasted time if someone seeks your advice and then doesn't take any of it and sometimes I wish we had just had our stuff to deal with.
Graduate school, well it takes time to learn and effort, and if I was honest, well I am just not feeling it. I want to teach tomorrow's future leaders not write elaborate papers about how to best teach them. And while I know teaching will not make me rich a monthly paycheck would rock these days. I still haven't heard from the Headstart Program that took applications until January 6th. Tim thinks it is the snows fault.
I am completely obsessed with the thoughts of our first ever vacation, in spite the many moves, we haven't really taken some time as a couple and simply went somewhere by ourselves, closest thing prior to this plan was the Carson Springs Church Planting Training and well there was a lot of information and meetings. I also have some anxiety about the entire trip but that I will save for another post.
And then there is the dinner plans from the friends we want to build a relationship with, a baptismal service, a churches planting churches meeting on Thursday, assuming of course our van is back on the road, and a major exam scheduled for Saturday. Oh yes and Tim started back atseminary today.
But I share all of this to simply say, I need to work on time management but well who has the time?
Family, okay mostly Tim's family, he only really has a mom and one sister that is living, but they both are a lot a like and they fight well it seems like all the time. Both want things their way, all the time, and both make bad decisions even when warned that it might not be the best decision. Tim, being the only male in the family, is often put in the role of being the "man" of the house and is sought out for advice. This annoys me because it feels like wasted time if someone seeks your advice and then doesn't take any of it and sometimes I wish we had just had our stuff to deal with.
Graduate school, well it takes time to learn and effort, and if I was honest, well I am just not feeling it. I want to teach tomorrow's future leaders not write elaborate papers about how to best teach them. And while I know teaching will not make me rich a monthly paycheck would rock these days. I still haven't heard from the Headstart Program that took applications until January 6th. Tim thinks it is the snows fault.
I am completely obsessed with the thoughts of our first ever vacation, in spite the many moves, we haven't really taken some time as a couple and simply went somewhere by ourselves, closest thing prior to this plan was the Carson Springs Church Planting Training and well there was a lot of information and meetings. I also have some anxiety about the entire trip but that I will save for another post.
And then there is the dinner plans from the friends we want to build a relationship with, a baptismal service, a churches planting churches meeting on Thursday, assuming of course our van is back on the road, and a major exam scheduled for Saturday. Oh yes and Tim started back atseminary today.
But I share all of this to simply say, I need to work on time management but well who has the time?
Friday, January 14, 2011
Sometimes it all falls apart
Right now, I'm struggling with a lot of different feelings and emotions, the trouble is most of them are not the ones that I'm proud to display. To begin with, I spent Wednesday and Thursday listening and loving on a loved one that was trying to get out of a bad relationship. I was so proud of her as she seemed to really understand that an addict needed to get professional help before they can be a part of a healthy relationship to see her after talking half a night and then go to see him early this am. I guess I am sad because I am worried about her and its not that she really loves this person she just doesnt feel like she is worth it. And can I be honest? Im furious that she doesnt love herself, cant see that other people love her, and that she is settling...
Another lady, invited me and the Hubby to her home along with other people, but here is the thing, I can not make her understand that those three steps are too much, I'm not going to take a chance on letting Tim fall, He is in a wheelchair but three steps are really three too many. It doesnt matter how you think He could do it, He cant and even though it sounds snobby they are both heavy smokers. I can not stand smoke and it doesnt like me either, I can not breathe around it and my asthma acts up. So here I am trying to extend Grace and getting physically ill. I dont see how this can end well, Im trying to love people and yet there are times when I dont even like them. I invited them to my home, nothing seemed good enough for her. I'm at a loss. I offered to help her with her school work but then she needed a mouse...and I needed a break!
Nothing is going really good today,
AHHHHHH!
Another lady, invited me and the Hubby to her home along with other people, but here is the thing, I can not make her understand that those three steps are too much, I'm not going to take a chance on letting Tim fall, He is in a wheelchair but three steps are really three too many. It doesnt matter how you think He could do it, He cant and even though it sounds snobby they are both heavy smokers. I can not stand smoke and it doesnt like me either, I can not breathe around it and my asthma acts up. So here I am trying to extend Grace and getting physically ill. I dont see how this can end well, Im trying to love people and yet there are times when I dont even like them. I invited them to my home, nothing seemed good enough for her. I'm at a loss. I offered to help her with her school work but then she needed a mouse...and I needed a break!
Nothing is going really good today,
AHHHHHH!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Hyatt Hotels and why I love them!
For anyone that has ever loved someone in a wheelchair or been in a wheelchair extensively can tell you that just ordinary everyday activities take an extensive amount of effort and planning. This means that vacations almost sound like an impossibility and anything normal is long gone. And so a trip to the store becomes an obstacle course trying to determine if it is worth going out and how to best plan for the adventure. For us, we have learned the local scooters in walmart are never charged and it is far better to keep Tim in the wheelchair have him push the cart and me in turn push Tim, It may appear odd but the result is that we can get our groceries and have a "normal" shopping experience. Well at least the new normal since last February when this auto-immune disease caused Tim to go from able-bodied to having no feeling from the waist down. The bathrooms are disappointing as there are no family bathrooms and the handicap accessible stalls are in the opposite side of the bathrooms. I also hate to see extra toilet paper placed on the rails they are for pulling up not a shelf and trashcans should never be in the path of travel. It's obvious that the people that do that have never dealt with wheelchairs and I hope they never do but there are 450 million people in the US alone that are wheelchair bound and they sometimes need to use the bathroom..ok it was a rant, I am safely off of my soapbox.
But that is what makes Hyatt Hotels so very special. The Hyatt Place website is user friendly with the option to reserve both a King size Accessible room or a 2 Queen Accessible room, the "virtual tour" includes the bathroom which has a raised toilet, bars in the bathroom and shower, and proof that there is in fact a walk in shower. They also offer sturdy bench seating so that means the shower chairs are not added to the long list of additional equipment that has to come along as part of the equipment needed to survive. I love it because unlike most hotels they guarantee an accessible room and don't try to blanket these concerns with statements that say "not every room has all accessible feautures, not guaranteed until check in" That statement makes it sounds like they believe that handicap especially wheelchair bound people don't have the right to shower and go to the bathroom without being afraid or not able to perform the most basic of human needs. I also appreciate not having to call the hotel directly asking if they have raised toilets, bars in the shower, walk in showers, to usually be sent to housekeeping and hope they remember correctly...and then be told they can not guarantee a room, Its simply simply click on an accessible room type and they guarantee it amazing! I also love that there is both a king accessible and queen accessible, why? Because many handicap people have families that also need a place to sleep. We have plans to go on our first ever vacation in March, I am hoping they are just what they say they are. Also, I feel obligated to mention that you can sign up for Hyatt Gold Passport and earn points towards free nights without blackout dates and other upgrades. And no, I don't work for Hyatt :)
http://nashvilleairport.place.hyatt.com/hyatt/hotels/place/reservations.jsp;jsessionid=KBZRDRDNIFZWECTEAGDCFFAKMQAYOIV0?start=4
Here is a link to the Hyatt, sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words!
But that is what makes Hyatt Hotels so very special. The Hyatt Place website is user friendly with the option to reserve both a King size Accessible room or a 2 Queen Accessible room, the "virtual tour" includes the bathroom which has a raised toilet, bars in the bathroom and shower, and proof that there is in fact a walk in shower. They also offer sturdy bench seating so that means the shower chairs are not added to the long list of additional equipment that has to come along as part of the equipment needed to survive. I love it because unlike most hotels they guarantee an accessible room and don't try to blanket these concerns with statements that say "not every room has all accessible feautures, not guaranteed until check in" That statement makes it sounds like they believe that handicap especially wheelchair bound people don't have the right to shower and go to the bathroom without being afraid or not able to perform the most basic of human needs. I also appreciate not having to call the hotel directly asking if they have raised toilets, bars in the shower, walk in showers, to usually be sent to housekeeping and hope they remember correctly...and then be told they can not guarantee a room, Its simply simply click on an accessible room type and they guarantee it amazing! I also love that there is both a king accessible and queen accessible, why? Because many handicap people have families that also need a place to sleep. We have plans to go on our first ever vacation in March, I am hoping they are just what they say they are. Also, I feel obligated to mention that you can sign up for Hyatt Gold Passport and earn points towards free nights without blackout dates and other upgrades. And no, I don't work for Hyatt :)
http://nashvilleairport.place.hyatt.com/hyatt/hotels/place/reservations.jsp;jsessionid=KBZRDRDNIFZWECTEAGDCFFAKMQAYOIV0?start=4
Here is a link to the Hyatt, sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Welcome To My World
This blog will contain my beliefs, adventures, challenges, and observations along lifes bumpy trails. My life is a mess and so therefore my blog can not simply cover one topic. This will be my place to vent what bothers me and what inspires me to be a better person. I feel that in order to do this I have to discuss a few "unique" things about my life. To begin with, I am a certified teacher in grades K-6. I finally graduated in May but much to my disappointment did not land an elementary school job. So the decision was made to work towards endorsements and to work towards completing a degree in English Language Learning through WGU. I am also contemplating the most direct path to completing as many additional endorsements as possible. I'd love to say I am highly motivated but the truth is that I want to actually work with kids and not simply continue to write papers about working with kids more effectively.
Other "interesting" facts are that my Husband of nearly five years, developed Guillian-Barre Syndrome, that literally overnight left him unable to walk, experiencing a loss of feeling from the waist down, and He was forced to step down from his roles as both an Assistant Pastor and a Worship Pastor at two separate churches. In the mist of this trauma, Tim felt a strong calling to start a church in one of the poorest areas of Warren County, where we live, to reach the people that other churches simply do not want. With this idea, Grace Community was created first in his mind and later as a reality with our first service starting last October. Tim can not play due to messed up shoulder and still can not stand but he can share with others what He is passionate about the love of Christ and grace. Since that time, we have been focused on outreach, church planting, prayer, and physical therapy. Not to mention, the many things I never thought about when it comes to trying to have a "normal" life while stuck in a wheelchair.
We also have been trying to add to our family since shortly after we got married. We struggle with infertility and even though we have many challenges we long to one day grow our family through adoption, infertiltiy treatments, and whatever else we need to do to grow our family. Life is complicated but anything worth doing is worth waiting and fighting for.So there you have it...my crazy life.
Other "interesting" facts are that my Husband of nearly five years, developed Guillian-Barre Syndrome, that literally overnight left him unable to walk, experiencing a loss of feeling from the waist down, and He was forced to step down from his roles as both an Assistant Pastor and a Worship Pastor at two separate churches. In the mist of this trauma, Tim felt a strong calling to start a church in one of the poorest areas of Warren County, where we live, to reach the people that other churches simply do not want. With this idea, Grace Community was created first in his mind and later as a reality with our first service starting last October. Tim can not play due to messed up shoulder and still can not stand but he can share with others what He is passionate about the love of Christ and grace. Since that time, we have been focused on outreach, church planting, prayer, and physical therapy. Not to mention, the many things I never thought about when it comes to trying to have a "normal" life while stuck in a wheelchair.
We also have been trying to add to our family since shortly after we got married. We struggle with infertility and even though we have many challenges we long to one day grow our family through adoption, infertiltiy treatments, and whatever else we need to do to grow our family. Life is complicated but anything worth doing is worth waiting and fighting for.So there you have it...my crazy life.
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